My story is crazy Dylan. I don't know if I can put it all in text form? I have to go all the way back to when I was 6 months old. My father died of cancer, he was 28. So it's me, my brother Jim (we call him Danner) and my mom. "Danner" is 14 months older than me. So you can imagine how the church would surround us. My mother was so strong, she taught us about Jesus and the bible. I knew 50 bible verses by memory when I was 3 or 4 (so my mom says). Life is good! I don't ever remember my father so the pain wasn't there but you can imagine what it was like for mom. Fast forward, I'm 7 and Danner is 8, mom meets a "godly" man at the baptist church we went to and marries him within a very short time. He was the answer to her prayers! He even preached some Sundays. He could be a father to us and a companion for my mom and he "loved Jesus". I remember calling him daddy. It was the coolest thing in the world. I always wanted one and now I have one!
First day back from the honeymoon, we get beat for not brushing our teeth fast enough. Man did life change quick. He was a troubled man. Very controlling, very dictator like in the way things had to be. Mom couldn't wear pants or use makeup. We had military style haircuts, couldn't listen to secular music or play video games or go to movies as it was all evil and satanic and "of this world". I got one of my worst beatings for getting caught playing a video game at a local convenience store. Crazy stuff man. Then the abuse started to get directed to my mom because she started defending us. It was bad. How could this man sit us down and have "bible studies" with our family and preach Jesus, then be hitting us in the next moment? You can imagine how much I grew to hate God and the name of Jesus and of course my step father. Fast forward again, I'm 15 and Danner is 16 and we are literally planning on how we are going to kill this man. Mom recognized the situation and finally took action, she filled for protection from abuse papers and got him removed from the house. I am so filled with rage and anger and hate. F--k the world and God and Jesus. I am going to be and do everything and then some. I grew my hair as long as I could and did every drug I could get my hands on. I ran as hard and as fast as I could from any form of religion. Yet God never left me, always right there by my side is how it felt. I could never get low enough or be bad enough, there was always something inside of me that didn't want to go quite that far. I watched my friends do it, but I would hold back. I was never cruel to people, I never wanted to hurt others, I was always a peacemaker. Yet I partied like there was no tomorrow. I was hurting so bad. I just needed to escape from my reality.
So how does this same Jesus come back into the picture for me? He never left! I've always felt like I was one of His children. Psalm 68:5 says "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling". I think God cut me some slack maybe because of this? I don't know. Scripture also teaches us that God will never leave us nor forsake us. And He never did. He was always there, always protecting me, always drawing me and always loving me. These parts I cannot explain to you. There was no magical moment, no vision, no audible voice but God was speaking to me. Through things in life, through other people and especially through my mother. You have no idea what kind of woman she is. She is never unkind, never selfish, always loving, always had time to comfort me in all situations. She truly loved Jesus and showed me what a real Christian was like. I wanted her inner peace, her inner joy. I've to this day never met anyone as joyful as my mother.
She showed me who Jesus really is. A patient, and gentle and loving God. One who wishes that none should perish and that all should come to repentance. At this point, I was 19. The rage has subsided a little and I met my wife. She is 18 and just finishing high school. I'm a student at Rosedale Tech (where I now teach), I am smitten by this girl. I knew within 3 months that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. (this Jan will be 24 years we've been together). I also know that I want her to know about this God that I knew. I know in my heart that He is the answer to this thing we call life and that His path is the one I want my wife to walk too. One problem, I'm not ready for all of that yet. God graciously meets her right where she is and draws her to himself. She starts teaching me about things about eternity and hope and love. It is God's definition of love that I want to have toward my wife and family and it is God's definition of love that my wife has toward me. So we start going to church together, God blesses me with 1, then 2 boys, yet I'm still sort of holding Him at arms length away. Then I have my 3rd boy before finally saying to God "okay, I'm done with what this life has, there is nothing here that lasts, nothing here that truly satisfies, show me what it is like to walk as your child. So much has happened these past 11 years (my third boy, Beau is now 11). I have a little girl now, I have an awesome job and a wonderful family. I have learned so much about God from the Bible and through church and from my favorite teacher John MacArthur. I have learned forgiveness, so much so that I actually went to see my step father on his death bed and hugged him. I brought Jake, my oldest with me and I could see in his eyes that he knew that he missed out on being a grandfather. So much pain did I see. There was more to it than that with him. But he made his peace with God and me and I forgive him.
I don't know where to end this. There is so much more. The salvation message you hear from other "Christians" has so many differing views. None of it ever really made much sense to me until I learned about Gods sovereignty. Salvation does come to those who believe, but the type of belief required is unattainable with human effort or wisdom. You cannot believe "with all your heart" in an entity that you've never heard, or seen, or spoken to, that died on a cross 2000 years ago for your sins. To believe in something that deeply must be rooted in the fact that God is the one that grants this belief. It must be initiated by God, there is no other explanation. No "sinners prayer" is going to save someone. We love God because He first loved us! While we were dead in our sins, Christ died for us. Do you know what a dead person does? Do they see, or hear? Can they respond? NO! They must be made alive first. Only then can one believe and trust the way God describes it in the Bible.
This doctrine gets crazy but it is all through Scripture. (the doctrine of election). Yet man must choose, and all will give an account in the end and all will be responsible. So there is a paradox here that can never be explained by man. God does the choosing yet man has free will. I don't have an answer for you here, all I can do is quote scripture to you to show you clearly that God does the choosing.
So why do I believe? Because belief was granted to me in eternity past. Jesus said these words. "I am the way the truth and the life and no man comes to the Father but by me" also He said "All that the Father has given to me will come" and yet still "No one comes to me unless the Father draws him". Do you see what I mean?
I have no formula for you, no path that you need to take, no prayer that you need to say to walk this path I am on. Only God can do that for you.
But I do believe with all my heart that I am a sinner in need of a Savior and I do know that this world is passing away and my eyes need to stay focused on eternal things, not the things of this world. I truly know now, that there is nothing here that satisfies. And I long to be with my heavenly Father, the only father I've ever known.
Don't be a parts changer!
